Thoughts that occur to me while browsing the January 2006 issue of Blender:

I was taken to task last month when I decided that Ashlee Simpson was hot, and I may be risking a similar response with this next statement: I don't care what she does or does not wear, but there is no way that anyone will ever convince me that Kelly Clarkson is sexy. While prettier and obviously more talented than Ashlee, she lacks, for me at least, that certain mystical element that makes a woman physically attractive. Sorry, Kelly, the romance is off.

Is the guy in the Boost Mobile ad's head HUGE, or does it just appear that way because his arms are so big and he has no neck?

Still not sexy on page 6. But maybe a little mysterious, which helps.

I still think Ashlee looked pretty damned good last month. But the cover of Cosmo glimpsed while standing in line at Dominion confirms that it was a passing thing.

Can Lola sing? Do I care?

Could someone shut Sharon Osborne up? Or at least tell her that no one cares, that she is a celebrity wife, not truly a celebrity in her own right, that no matter what she might accomplish that it is only because she married Ozzy that she was ever given the opportunity, and that most of us have no interest in any opinion she might choose to spout off with? Do that for me, will you, because I'm bored senseless by her shenanigans.

Hey, Ted Nugent, you rock! Quote, re Sharon Osborne, on the very next page: "I think she oughtta be slapped silly." Bring my guitar and gun!

Jessica Simpson: "I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer." Sometimes, there are quotes so perfect they need no further commentary.

Best line from a great Q&A with Rivers Cuomo, who has been celibate for more than two years: Q: "Are you a tit man or an ass man?" Cuomo: "I don't remember."

You know how a lot of women say they don't care what a man looks like if he can make them laugh? Trust me on this one, it's all over the singles ads on dating web sites. Well, it's true for lesbians too. How else to explain Portia De Rossi's romance with Ellen Degeneres? I've always found Portia quite attractive, and after "Arrested Development" have respect for her as an actor. The picture on page 49 is slightly skanky, which only enhances her appeal. Two things that stand out from this piece: she's a law school grad in her native Australia, and she likes alternative music, a lot of it from the early '90s. Good taste. [By the way, I never thought Ellen was funny until "Finding Nemo". And she is great on her talk show, which is a guilty pleasure I sometimes allow myself on sick days. I think Ellen just needed to find the right forum for her humour.]

Don Henley believes that toilet paper should come off the top of the roll and not the bottom. This, of course, is obvious, and I remain mystified that some people, including my wife and children, just don't get it. Unlike Henley, I see no need to write a detailed memo explaining why this is so. But I feel your pain, Don.

If further proof was needed that 2005 was a largely crappy year for music, take a look at the nominees for lyric of the year. Other than Franz Ferdinand, and I guess The Hold Steady, are any of these even remotely clever?

Kelly Clarkson quote #1: "Jesus drank. It says in the Bible he had a glass of wine. I don't know if he actually drank it, but whatever." Ah, the old I-was-holding-it-for-a-friend defence.

Justin Guarini: Not dead yet. But working on it.

Kelly Clarkson quote #2: "Naked women are beautiful - when it's tastefully done." She had me up until the hyphen. I just don't get the rest.

Thanks to Blender's annual "best of" lists, I have new music to explore. Last year, they introduced me to several artists who made 2005 a nicer place to be sonically: A.C. Newman, Katy Rose, Magnetic Fields, Snow Patrol, Todd Snider and Drive-By Truckers. Given how few of the names I recognize on the latest list, I have a lot of music to check out over the next few months.

U2's typical take from a concert is $3.7 million. Just let that number roll over you for a bit.

Is it sacrilege to give "Born to Run" only four out of five stars? I thought there was no shaking the consensus that this is one of the greatest albums ever? I count six new releases that also rate a four, all of which I expect no one will be listening to in five years, let alone 30. Doesn't Bruce somehow deserve better? Or are we reassessing him now that he's not the beautiful rebel of 1975? Turn back a few pages, folks, and you'll see him with your #17 album. Still seems pretty valid to me.

Just the fact that they say "Cursed" is the worst movie of the year makes me want to check it out on TMN, where it is presently playing. The opportunities to experience true badness are so rare.

A few days ago, my wife mentioned seeing some items in the sporting goods section at Zellers that reminded her of the Liberator. This is how you know you've found the perfect partner: she notices things like that.

Remember when that homemade porn video of Fred Durst made the rounds? Did anyone care? Paris Hilton, sure. But Fred Durst? Fat and bald: it'd be like watching your dad in action. It smelled like a publicity stunt, which makes sense since it was the only news story involving Fred in the past year or two. He blamed it on hackers, who we all know like to spend their time looking for sex videos starring fat has-been rap rockers. Score!

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My own picks for album and song of the year:

Album - Fiona Apple, "Extraordinary Machine" (#2 in Blender, behind M.I.A.'s "Arular")

Song - Franz Ferdinand, "Do You Want To (#10 in Blender - other faves that made their list include "Speed of Sound" by Coldplay (#16), "Feel Good Inc." by Gorillaz (#24), "4Ever" by Veronicas (#41) - two other favorite songs of 2005 are a pair from Green Day - "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" and "Whatsername" - but I don't count these since they're on a 2004-released album)